Memories of Jessica
“i don’t think there are “points” where anything happens. it’s more gradual. we tend to only notice the parts when change accelerates. every moment is defined by the collection of moments before it. i think we try to break down life too much. we’ve calculated time down to the second, down to hundredths of seconds, even smaller. we’ve analyzed our bodies down into cells, atoms, electrons and protons and neutrons. but when it comes down to it, doesn’t there have to be something smaller? and doesn’t there have to be something bigger? i mean, infinity can’t be the biggest.
sometimes i think that it doesn’t even matter. sometimes i think that we get so caught up in defining every little thing and searching for solidified answers that we miss out on a lot of too much. and the argument to that is: we have to search for answers somewhere; we have to learn about something. and i don’t think there are wrong things to search for or to find. i mean, sometimes i smack myself for writing about love so much. love can’t be broken down into atoms and cells and concrete things. even if it is chemicals, it’s different stimulants for each person. as for right or wrong, some say that every tiny piece of existence has its purpose and its place. but that question can only be answered by each individual. and it’s okay to find wrong things. use your judgment to find where those wrong pieces belong. just because a puzzle piece doesn’t fit where you’re looking doesn’t mean it doesn’t have somewhere it belongs. there are other slots, there are other puzzles. or just because one half fits, doesn’t mean you have everything figured out.
anything’s possible. i’d like to think that there are limits and impossibilities to a small extent. i’m unsure of the connections between the heart and the head and what’s physically able to happen. maybe i’m dreaming beyond what’s capable by the heart. maybe i’m just writing a lot of scenes from a movie. movies are all imagination, and that’s why the situations go beyond logical thought in our lives. i guess that someday, somewhere far down the line, something will fall faster than gravity should allow it to. i can’t even say that all i know is what’s in front of me, because it’s not. somewhere, tomorrow, a record of some sort will be broken, whether or not it’s important to science and the human existence.
change is evident, and that’s why it’s okay to accept the fact that there are some things that are unsolvable right now in this moment. we just have to decide which things are worth looking for and solving. i think we’re obsessed with asking questions to try to figure things out. but there are things to be excited about and things to be confused about. and sometimes those confusions are okay how they are. for our sanity’s sake, we have to stop trying to define everything at some point. because it’s all about perspective, and we need to realize others see it differently. the pieces and parts may be the same, but they can be arranged in various ways. or we can change one part. replacing the end of a rake with the head of an axe changes a tool into a weapon. we get obsessed with things that are single-handedly controllable because it’s damn near impossible to have control over everything. there are too many outside influences. and who knows where fate fits into that. from left to right, from me to you, everything’s at a different angle. we can feel overwhelmed in this world when at certain angles, standing as one in a world of six billion. but our minds are expansive, extravagant, and can encompass lengths and widths beyond our comprehension. still, there are intricacies in everything, and if you can break the human soul into millions of muscles and theories and emotions, i can divide an axe into the same.
also, i’m leaving soon. day after my birthday.
i’ll be writing in my notebook/my mind.”